TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it could feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical advancement-slash-luxurious real-estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And never the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're chatting Damascus, the city Traditionally known for historic tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It will be huge. Incredible!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed from your putting environmentally friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We've had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the ideal. But now, we're building them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-confused, majestic, and totally from location. Created by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour till the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 several years for potable drinking water. But Certainly, certain, let's have An additional area exactly where American Guys can dress in robes and connect with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace attempt considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While former negotiations unsuccessful underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is easier: supply All people a suite to the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


According to documents revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be gentle power," stated Trump Tower Damascus political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a contract and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock needs fewer diplomats plus more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms installed in Just about every device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity noted, "It's actually not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower within a war zone. It really is that he should halt using it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked about the project, replied, "You recognize, person, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Superior individuals. Excellent tan. In any case, do I still have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of the Levant."



Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the resort's landscaping kinds an enormous Trump head obvious from Area, a feature staying promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents as well as chin is… effectively, categorized.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits just after acquiring the setting up's gold plating mirrored a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It is really not simply unsightly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," mentioned Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Puzzling Options


Perhaps the strangest ingredient from the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium exactly where visitors may well ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, full with weather Handle established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Nearby Syrians are Not sure what to create of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Strategy: "Should you Bomb It, They may Occur"


The advertisement campaign, lately leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Forever."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll conducted inside of a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% claimed "wherever's the nearest elevator towards the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Disaster That Pays"


The project is now attracting consideration from Worldwide traders, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll buy a few penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial stage may even contain:




  • A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room According to the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait around to check out a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades instead of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a resort exactly where my PTSD may have turn-down provider."


Another submit from @KuwaitiKardashian basically requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Stories counsel:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to develop a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Last Ideas from the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It essential gold. It desired a waterslide formed just like the Structure. I gave all of it a few. You happen to be welcome."

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